Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
December birthdays be like…
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it