Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Blew my mind.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.