Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

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If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?


A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.


Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.


Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.


What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?


My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.


If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.


*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!


Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!