Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses