Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
You Might Also Like
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
All set.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question