@john_self

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

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@TheToddWilliams

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

@PhilJamesson

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

@causticbob

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

@Dad_At_Law

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

@_yesChef

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”