just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
You better watch out
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once