“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
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My biological clock is wheezing.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson