Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
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A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set