Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

dads on road-trips be like

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.