Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Get in loser we’re going crying
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation