@DawnLovesZombie

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

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@johnbiehl

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

@weinerdog4life

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

@Dcbelle02

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

@mommajessiec

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

@patsatweetin

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

@NapVeg

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

@DancesWithTamis

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

@BigJDubz

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

@SentientSadist

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.