Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I am crying
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship