Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
asking santa clause for nudes
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
A leaf blower, but for people.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.