Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.