Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
lol
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.