Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
good work, detective
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!