Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
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tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?