“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Feels
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.