Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
This squirrel eats better than I do