Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
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My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Stonehinge
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Breaking news:
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine