Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
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Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.