Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
it was love at first sight
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me