Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
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NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.