just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She