“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.