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Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
uncle dave has been through hell
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.