Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
all bases covered
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo