Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
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I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*Inspirational Tweets*
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Finished stitching this today 😇
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.