Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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oh my god
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is