Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that


Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.


I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.


Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.


*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding


My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered


Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man


There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.


Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Santa Claus.