Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
the best thing i’ve ever made
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Just say no
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?