Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke