Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.