Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
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I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
i now pronounce you bounced.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.