Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I need better friends
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.