@Discourt

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

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@amishschool

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

@LostFelicia

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

@McInappropriate

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

@TheDjinnTrials

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

@internetluke

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”

“…”
Vibrate?

@PaperWash

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

@Lani_Hayden

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

@jollyrobber

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

@jjhartinger

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien