Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Reporter: *ports again*
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
All is fair in drunk and war.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”