@amishschool My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
@Discourt Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
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@amishschool 
@LostFelicia If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
@LittlemoonLevin Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
@McInappropriate NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
@TheDjinnTrials Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
@internetluke [hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
@PaperWash I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
@Lani_Hayden Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
@jollyrobber I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
@jjhartinger Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien