Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

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My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.


If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.



1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.


Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.


[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”



I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.


Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.


I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.


Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien