Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The Friday File.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
#Caturday
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors