Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
You Might Also Like
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?