Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
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Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?