Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.