Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Hero horse inspires millions
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.