Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls