Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.