Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”