Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
why I oughta
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.