Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
absolutely not
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
happy valentine’s day to me
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Tuesday
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
one of
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not