Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.