Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

You Might Also Like


I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!


There, happy now? You cunts.


My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.


If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.


I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself


A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.


The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET


When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.


Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts