@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

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@That_Damn_Duck

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

@aaronasellars

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

@LuckyLea13

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

@SonOfCha

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

@MelvinofYork

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

@theDUDE___

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

@blob_of_light

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts