@E_lok44 So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
@WilliamAder Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
You Might Also Like
@E_lok44 
@MohitSharmaSays I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
@Ramitology When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
@jordan_stratton Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
@EliTerry I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
@Reverend_Scott WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
@MindBytes If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
@SoulYodeler Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
@mdob11 Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
@Ideal_Victoria On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes