@That_Damn_Duck I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
@WilliamAder Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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@That_Damn_Duck 
@pseudofauxme At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
@Brianhopecomedy My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
@aaronasellars If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
@LuckyLea13 I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
@SonOfCha A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
@adamgreattweet the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
@MelvinofYork The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
@theDUDE___ When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
@blob_of_light Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
