Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats