Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The Sun
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION