Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
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A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.