Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
how to market bottled water to dads
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.