just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
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God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”