Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too