Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*