@carterhambley

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

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@SafeWordTaken

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

@thedailymarker

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

@ozzyunc

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

@mydarksidesays

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

@TweetPotato314

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

@0point5twins

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

@thejessbess

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.