just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
You Might Also Like
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’ve been learning to cook.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.