Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
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“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Tastes like chicken.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves