Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
waiting for halloween be like:
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.